The Grape Ape Chronicles

Dont pet the F'n Zombies

2008-11-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs.... and my 39 year old girl friend...... shes actually 4 . Why do I say four... well because a five year old listens when you tell them something...... Yes I'm big giant control freak. A big dick... A big meanie. I'm always yelling and wrecking the day. Oh thank god you asked for my side.....
Well today it's 42 deg. The suns going down, and I hear a stupid dog jump up on the door. this is not allowed.... This breaks things... windows, screens, etc... dogs are not allowed to jump on people or things.... ( strike one for me.. I'm a big meanie) As I get up to Yell at the dogs.. A stench hits... This stench is no stranger.... a month ago the orange dog came home smelling of this... It's skunk. The orange dog had a light dose. I once again tried to flex my man muscles.... "Get the f'n dog out of the house." .... oh no that's mean...she says...Strike two for me... (I'm a big dick always yelling).... Well today was no light dose.... the droopy eyed dog had a foaming mouth, and just being near the door made the house stink inside.... I'd like to grab a shot gun and shoot em both.... I'll clean it up tomorrow ..... I said id like to..... you should she the amount of tears generated when the dogs have to sleep outside, I couldnt imagine the buckets of tears if she came home and saw a couple of chalk outlines. I called Christie.....and said ... "when you get home.. treat the dogs like flesh eating zombies. Don't touch em... they stink... they got into a skunk. If the orange dog jumps the fence and is in the street call me so I can scare her back into the yard. I don't want any dogs jumping on you or the baby...... That stink don't come off. Also don't let your cat out of the garage. hes got a litter box. he will be fine in the garage. I don't want a dog licking on him and then you letting the cat in the house. I already hate it when he sleeps on the bed. if he or you bring that stink in the house I'm throwing everybody out.....

Now back to the 4 yr old vs the 5 yr old. I'm pretty sure a 5 yr old knows to run from flesh eating zombies. Not Christie..... she gets home and within 3 seconds of exiting her car... She has her hand on the dogs head...... And comes in the house.... The dog is all wet.... Yes it's foggy and misty, oh ....yeah and fuck en skunky outside. That's why i said don't touch the fuck en dogs. You cant tell where the skunk stink ends and the stupid dog stink starts.

You know.. I used to like to think, that in a post apocalyptic world... You know, Red Dawn, Mad Max....Dawn of the Dead... I could make it.. I got guns... I'm smart. I could survive... I could take care of us.... No way man..... were fuck en dead in the first thirty minutes. Christie is the person out on the front lawn trying to make friends with the Zombies. You know.. the news says Zombies are not to be messed with....they will strip the flesh from your bones and stuff.... Christie would just have to go fuck with one ....to say the news guy was wrong. See stupid news guy.... they only bit me a little ... And... Hey Jeff let the devil dogs in they wanna eat your brains, and crap all over the house...... thank god.. sweet release...............

I've given up hope...

2008-11-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

Its official.... I will never have anything nice again. My house will always stink. I will die a sad and bitter man that is filled with hate and rage, covered in dog and cat hair with hunks of my carpet missing.

The other day I was asked by Christie to download her pictures from camera to disk. well as the pc completed the task, i got a look at an unusual picture... some strange red thing and a couple of squares.... It took me a minute to get my bearings..... It's my kitchen floor.... I thought... Finally.. shes taking an interest in the house... (shes nesting) I don't care if its an ugly red rug ... I'm just happy she bought something, and look its a rug... it will help protect and beautify the kitchen....... Problem is.... the picture shows the rug rolled back with two 10 x 10 inch squares cut out. Christie was watching TV in the other room, so I yelled out...... Heyyy Lucy, you got some splanin to do. well turns out..... The droopy eyed dog crapped on the kitchen floor. Christie doesn't like the floor ( it's ugly carpet) so she cut up the pieces that had crap on them.

Well there you have it.... Were country... just like Brittney Spears. I don't know why i didn't think of this..... I mean.... why wash bird shit off a car window, (Just fucken smash it) why vacuum, why clean anything when you can just burn, cut, explode, acid burn, launch in to space. what ever..... Oddly... I'm the one that paid for the house with the crap carpet. and I'm the one that gets to pay for the new floor. Oh yea and install it. Anybody want two dogs and a girl....

Election Blues

2008-11-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Well... Its kind of sad the election is over. I loved Matt Damons YouTube where he says "when Mc Cain dies and Palin takes office, it will resemble a bad Disney film. The Wacky Alaska hockey mom goes to D.C. and becomes President." awesome..... It got us thinking about how bad it might really be. I predicted the end of mankind. It would happen the last week of School, Palins daughter would be throwing a Kegger in the basement of the white house. A couple of drunk horny kids looking for a place to screw around... they would have slipped away from the party and ended up in a secret room with a plasma screen, comfy couch, and mini fridge. In the throws of horny monkey teen passion they hit the red button. Off go the nukes.... The red phone is ringing off the hook as world leaders want to know what the hell is going on.... And why this has happened three times this month. Except this time... Palin can't recall the nukes. She has flipped out from the stress. She didn't understand why Tina Feay wouldn't return her calls. Why SNL would have nothing to do with her. And why it wasn't cute anymore when she lied to the press about money. That's why on this last week of school at the White house Kegger She was staggering around the rose garden in her beauty pageant sash, and Tiara, with lipstick smeared on her lips, teeth and face, repeating But i'm a hockey mom, But i'm a hockey mom, But i'm a hockey......... as the first of the 200 ICBMs aimed at the US strikes the white house. Not a pretty picture. So perhaps it's a good thing Obama won.

The Dog Whisperer' er

2008-09-12T01:39:00.000-07:00

My girl found a new way to waste money this week.

I

I'm out 150bucks in dog whisperen fees. ... stupid dogs don't need wisperen to. They need a beating with a stick. This is how the scam goes. Your wife, girl friend, life partner, pet monkey...etc.... thinks there fixing a problem pooch by calling a gypsy... i mean a pet therapist.. they come over, have coffee.... and tell the love of your life exactly what you've been saying for the last year, then you pay them. Sounds pretty fair.. pay for informationyou already have.

Well one idea came from the dog gypsy.... tie something to the dog so she cant jump the fence... Hell yes I said... Like a noose, right... no. A bucket or a tire...... well that may work i said but probably not as well.. It didn't seem like a bad idea. later that night i threw em outside for playing in the house. Ten minutes later it was pretty clear why Cesar Milan doesn't tie dogs to buckets...... thumpity.. thumpity..tump.tump.tump. Well.... a few things are wrong with this approach. The noise bugs the shit out of the neighbors... and Me... And I found the bucket in the street the next day with no dog attached. back to the drawing board..

1 Week later, the orange dog was tied to the tree, doing what she does... destroy.. she was working on one of several splendid holes in the lawn when she must have torn a claw clean off... How awesome is that. It sounds mean... but from my point of view it's like when some asshole finally gets whats coming. And shes been good this week. Hmmm maybe a beating with a stick is the wrong approach. I just need a pair of pliers.. and more dog toes.

2008-03-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

Who' s a Good Boy... Who's a good Boy..... Yea Busters a good boy...

2008-03-18T03:18:00.000-07:00

Pikes Market Hipster. very cool. . . . mannn.

2008-03-18T03:02:00.000-07:00

Back a week or so from a little vacation. Went to Seattle. The weather was great. A little cool... Got to see a Hipster at the market. Drink from the fountain of funk n mung.... It sucks being back..

The stupid dog is at it again. In the last three days. She stole the neighbors jacket while he was working on his car. I caught her laying on it and chewing the sleeve. The next day there was a deer head on the lawn. If your keeping track this is the second part of a deer she has found. and yesterday she stole a rubber ball from the people across the street.

2008-03-18T02:51:00.000-07:00

If you click the Pic, you'll see the text and our room with ocean view. You could have seen us if there wasn't a tarp covering half the hotel. The construction guys were nice... they waived when they walked by.... and most of the time they didn't stare to long.

2008-03-18T02:03:00.000-07:00

Went to Seattle for few days for pleasure. We had fun but what a pain in the ass. I was getting worried about the fun to cost ratio when we woke up one morning and there was 3 feet of a plumbers snake waiving around in the shower, and on the end was a Horton hears a Who puff of pubs, and drain mung.

Now I don't know about you... But that is exactly why I go on vacation and pay to much money for a hotel room. Well that and the DNA samples.. Lousy 20/20 and there in depth study of disgusting hotel rooms. Where are you supposed to go to get away. We tried to go camping last year. didn't plan far enough ahead and had to rough it. Usually no big deal. UNLESS YOU GET some kind of food poisoning. I spent 20 out of 24 hours fertilizing the woods . and when I thought it was over and I could get some sleep. some dumb kids with food poisoning hiked out of the hills and needed a ride to the hospital. So.... My ass is sore as hell. like prison rape sore. its cold. its damp. dark.. like black dark... I got stupid dogs running around the woods like werewolves. and now stupid sick strangers who want to throw up in my truck for the next 2hr while i drive them to town. I get back to camp cold damp and sore. in the morning we cant have fire and when i was in town I forgot matches. no coffee. so F it. I'm going back to town. I get to the walmart and find a Michal Jordan Shoe $200 muddy shoe in the bed of the truck. I think I'll never see them douch bags again... screw'em. So i pitched the shoe.... do my shopping. go back to camp. make breakfast. and proceed to get drunk..... now im dirty, fat, stinky, damp, drunk etc.etc.etc.... when a truck pulls up. the stupid dogs go nuts.... and mind you we are in the rough. no camp spots... got now idea who this is... or how the hell they found us. It's the Douche bags, and their parents. They drove out to thank me. or at least kind of faked it. They wanted his shoe... So now I gotta stand there in a drunken George Castanza moment and tell them I never saw a muddy shoe... as we all stand there and stare at a muddy foot print in the bed of truck. dogs running around barking, digging holes, snatching birds from the air and shaking them until there bald... and dead.. It was deliverance moment. Awesome... I love camping.

Jazz ate more stuff

2008-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

She stole a camera from the neighbors and ate that. She stole another neighbors stuffed animal nativity scene. It was horrific... The three wise men were eviscerated and there stuffing strewn about lawn.

Oct leaves started to turn

2007-11-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

This is a shot of the irrigation ditch 30 yards from my front door. A lovely late Sept day.

They call me Grape Ape.

2007-11-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

We have two dogs and a cat. I hate both dogs for different reasons, and have gotten used to the cat. One dog has a droopy eye, his mouth does'nt shut all the way, and there is always dry grass or some sticky crap hanging from his lip. I don't think he's ever passed a turd that didn't puddle. And he stinks. He's the dog I like. The other (pictured here) "Jazz" short for Jasmine she was a pound dog... I didnt name her.... I think if I could start from scratch her name would be Lunch Box... To date shes eaten a ridding lawn mower seat, a lb of ground beef off the stove, Two hundred bucks in collars, a deer leg, (I don't know where it came from) a neighbors shoe, coffee cup, and doll. They have horses and I'm sure one day I will have to buy new lips for my neighbors horses. A ten dollar mouse trap. the cover of the BBQ, a wicker love seat, her dog bed, a few sprinklers n hose. A leash, a table cloth, knee pads, new patio furniture $500.00 set. The world is her buffet.

I am The Grape Ape.