Dont pet the F'n Zombies

I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs... I hate my dogs.... and my 39 year old girl friend...... shes actually 4 . Why do I say four... well because a five year old listens when you tell them something...... Yes I'm big giant control freak. A big dick... A big meanie. I'm always yelling and wrecking the day. Oh thank god you asked for my side.....
Well today it's 42 deg. The suns going down, and I hear a stupid dog jump up on the door. this is not allowed.... This breaks things... windows, screens, etc... dogs are not allowed to jump on people or things.... ( strike one for me.. I'm a big meanie) As I get up to Yell at the dogs.. A stench hits... This stench is no stranger.... a month ago the orange dog came home smelling of this... It's skunk. The orange dog had a light dose. I once again tried to flex my man muscles.... "Get the f'n dog out of the house." .... oh no that's mean...she says...Strike two for me... (I'm a big dick always yelling).... Well today was no light dose.... the droopy eyed dog had a foaming mouth, and just being near the door made the house stink inside.... I'd like to grab a shot gun and shoot em both.... I'll clean it up tomorrow ..... I said id like to..... you should she the amount of tears generated when the dogs have to sleep outside, I couldnt imagine the buckets of tears if she came home and saw a couple of chalk outlines. I called Christie.....and said ... "when you get home.. treat the dogs like flesh eating zombies. Don't touch em... they stink... they got into a skunk. If the orange dog jumps the fence and is in the street call me so I can scare her back into the yard. I don't want any dogs jumping on you or the baby...... That stink don't come off. Also don't let your cat out of the garage. hes got a litter box. he will be fine in the garage. I don't want a dog licking on him and then you letting the cat in the house. I already hate it when he sleeps on the bed. if he or you bring that stink in the house I'm throwing everybody out.....

Now back to the 4 yr old vs the 5 yr old. I'm pretty sure a 5 yr old knows to run from flesh eating zombies. Not Christie..... she gets home and within 3 seconds of exiting her car... She has her hand on the dogs head...... And comes in the house.... The dog is all wet.... Yes it's foggy and misty, oh ....yeah and fuck en skunky outside. That's why i said don't touch the fuck en dogs. You cant tell where the skunk stink ends and the stupid dog stink starts.

You know.. I used to like to think, that in a post apocalyptic world... You know, Red Dawn, Mad Max....Dawn of the Dead... I could make it.. I got guns... I'm smart. I could survive... I could take care of us.... No way man..... were fuck en dead in the first thirty minutes. Christie is the person out on the front lawn trying to make friends with the Zombies. You know.. the news says Zombies are not to be messed with....they will strip the flesh from your bones and stuff.... Christie would just have to go fuck with one ....to say the news guy was wrong. See stupid news guy.... they only bit me a little ... And... Hey Jeff let the devil dogs in they wanna eat your brains, and crap all over the house...... thank god.. sweet release...............

I've given up hope...

Its official.... I will never have anything nice again. My house will always stink. I will die a sad and bitter man that is filled with hate and rage, covered in dog and cat hair with hunks of my carpet missing.

The other day I was asked by Christie to download her pictures from camera to disk. well as the pc completed the task, i got a look at an unusual picture... some strange red thing and a couple of squares.... It took me a minute to get my bearings..... It's my kitchen floor.... I thought... Finally.. shes taking an interest in the house... (shes nesting) I don't care if its an ugly red rug ... I'm just happy she bought something, and look its a rug... it will help protect and beautify the kitchen....... Problem is.... the picture shows the rug rolled back with two 10 x 10 inch squares cut out. Christie was watching TV in the other room, so I yelled out...... Heyyy Lucy, you got some splanin to do. well turns out..... The droopy eyed dog crapped on the kitchen floor. Christie doesn't like the floor ( it's ugly carpet) so she cut up the pieces that had crap on them.

Well there you have it.... Were country... just like Brittney Spears. I don't know why i didn't think of this..... I mean.... why wash bird shit off a car window, (Just fucken smash it) why vacuum, why clean anything when you can just burn, cut, explode, acid burn, launch in to space. what ever..... Oddly... I'm the one that paid for the house with the crap carpet. and I'm the one that gets to pay for the new floor. Oh yea and install it. Anybody want two dogs and a girl....

Election Blues

Well... Its kind of sad the election is over. I loved Matt Damons YouTube where he says "when Mc Cain dies and Palin takes office, it will resemble a bad Disney film. The Wacky Alaska hockey mom goes to D.C. and becomes President." awesome..... It got us thinking about how bad it might really be. I predicted the end of mankind. It would happen the last week of School, Palins daughter would be throwing a Kegger in the basement of the white house. A couple of drunk horny kids looking for a place to screw around... they would have slipped away from the party and ended up in a secret room with a plasma screen, comfy couch, and mini fridge. In the throws of horny monkey teen passion they hit the red button. Off go the nukes.... The red phone is ringing off the hook as world leaders want to know what the hell is going on.... And why this has happened three times this month. Except this time... Palin can't recall the nukes. She has flipped out from the stress. She didn't understand why Tina Feay wouldn't return her calls. Why SNL would have nothing to do with her. And why it wasn't cute anymore when she lied to the press about money. That's why on this last week of school at the White house Kegger She was staggering around the rose garden in her beauty pageant sash, and Tiara, with lipstick smeared on her lips, teeth and face, repeating But i'm a hockey mom, But i'm a hockey mom, But i'm a hockey......... as the first of the 200 ICBMs aimed at the US strikes the white house. Not a pretty picture. So perhaps it's a good thing Obama won.